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Cast

Though StickManStickMan is far from being able to claim "a cast of thousands", a great deal of incidental characters have come, gone, and then been gratuitously brought back over the comic's lifespan. Detailed here are only the most major characters in the StickManStickMan saga, and some extra information which you may find interesting.

The following pulls no punches and withholds no information. If it's important and it happens in the comic, then it's listed here. For this reason, I recommend that you do not read the following before you are completely up-to-date with the StickManStickMan archive.

THIS ALSO REVEALS THE STICKMEN'S REAL NAMES. BE WARNED.

THE GOOD GUYS

Would you like DEATH with that?

First stickman, A.K.A. The One, Cape-man, "Crazy-Sam", Dave, the Human Gameshark

Half of our heroic duo of protagonists, Guy Stanley Mienczakowski (pronounced "Min-cha-korf-ski") is probably the more interesting of the pair. Though not clinically insane, he has the sort of mild dementia which is halfway to genius and causes him to see the universe slightly differently from everybody else. He has exceptionally high luck and seems to have adapted to take fullest possible advantage of this - frequently taking the longest of insane chances and coming out ahead. He married Tina Miller at the age of 25, just one month before she was imprisoned for a trivial international customs violation. Shortly after this he moved in with his university buddy Guy Littler in a small house in London where he pursued a flourishing career in professional gaming.

After a coma-induced Tetris session, Mienczakowski gained superhuman gaming powers and became (probably) the first person in history to go Super-Tetris. Defeating almost-as-powerful arch-nemesis Freecell in a Quake III deathmatch he subsequently rose to Super-Tetris level 2. Later still he travelled thirty years into the future where he restored balance to the world of gaming by overthrowing Freecell's l33tocratic rule, before returning to the present day to kill Freecell and prevent his rise to power from ever coming about. All of this was in accordance with prophecies laid down by the Oracle in his Book Of The Future. Guy Mienczakowski's role as The One, the saviour of videogaming, is now probably complete. He retains his powers, but has long grown tired of videogames since they are all trivial to him.

Like all individuals capable of STL1, Guy can fly, which resulted in a brief career as amateur superhero Cape-Man. He also has latent telekinetic powers which may stem from his being The One, allowing to overcome his irrational fear of ham pizzas in order to control them. Another minor oddity which he picked up on his adventures is a skeleton and claws made entirely of adamantium. It is unknown whether or not he has a mutant healing power of some sort. He also has a Quingi data jack on the back of his neck, implanted while he was temporarily their prisoner.

Guy Mienczakowski is by far the more manic of the two stickmen. He'll go anywhere, he'll try anything once, and a few more times if it doesn't kill him the first time. His impulsive nature makes him the instigator of most of our heroes' adventures.

Did I mention that YOU'RE COMPLETELY INSANE!?

Second stickman A.K.A. Antman, "Not-So-Crazy-Sam", Greg, Really Interesting Guy

Guy Michael Littler inherited his house in Greater London and the vast layout of caverns underneath it from a deceased mad scientist relative, and most of the equipment in the basement still worked pretty well after he flushed out the infestation of headcrabs. Money has never been a problem for him so he allowed his long-time university pal Guy Mienczakowski to move in when he found himself needing a place to live.

Mienczakowski's insanity has partially rubbed off on Littler. After experiencing a large number of highly implausible adventures together, Littler has learned to take unbelievable coincidences and pop culture references in his stride. The voice of reason behind his insane counterpart, he is considerably more mellow and intelligent and quite happy to go along with whatever insane scheme comes up next, if only to keep his buddy out of trouble.

This doesn't make him any less dangerous to be with. A curious curse/mutation/psychic power/plot element means that he is VERY bad with electronics - computers, mixing decks, and sometimes entire spacecraft have been known to undergo self-destruct sequences if he so much as touches them. He has a moderate amount of control over his power and over the course of his adventures he is learning to control and use it constructively.

Having once been bitten by a radioactive ant, he is vulnerable to radioactivity which - even in relatively harmless quantities - causes him to mutate into a villain called Antman.

Littler enjoys tinkering with computers, playing videogames (much more than his friend the Human Gameshark), and studying alien culture. He, too, has a Quingi data jack on the back of his neck, installed while he was temporarily their prisoner. He took the opportunity of using it to learn swordfighting, and is thus very handy with a Quingi emeraldsword, which he has recently started carrying around with him on his adventures. He also psychic power over wild sandworms.

Chew hot uranium, evil-doer!

Cape-man

Short-lived superhero, real identity Guy Mienczakowski. Gave up the superheroing business after he discovered that flight and cunning intelligence on their own were no match for ten-foot stature and being really strong.

HELLO, NEW YORKSHIRE!!

Chocolate Coated Bullets

One-hit wonder drum 'n' bass duo formed by the guys. Their hit single, "Chips For Tea", reached #1 in the UK Top 40 for one week and dropped out of the charts mere seconds later. They played a legendary gig on their roof before parting on good terms with their vast fan following and outdoing N*Sync by both being blasted into space. The police, trailing the duo on noise pollution charges ever since, eventually caught up with Chocolate Coated Bullets eighteen months later, and fined them 500.

Houston, we have a problem... a SEXY problem!

Spaceman

The first man to land on the moon in over thirty years, the spaceman was part of a NASA mission on the space shuttle Perseus. Has a particularly relaxed attitude to space flight, his ship, procedures, and hitch-hikers. Pretty good at Frisbee, knows how to fix a rocket motor and enjoys Chinese food. Real first name Tom.

Nothing is impossible for a Gallifreyan with a jelly baby.

The Doctor

Erroneously repeatedly referred to in the strip as "Doctor Who", the Doctor in question doesn't actually have any name other than simply "The Doctor". A Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, he was the star of the original BBC TV series and various movies, all of which actually happened. He pilots/piloted/will pilot a time machine of some description, which is of course bigger on the inside than the outside, but nevertheless seems to be constructed largely of corrugated cardboard. Knows how to disarm a man with a jelly baby and kill him with a hairdryer. Has an extremely long scarf. Still alive.

Come quick! Jimmie's trapped down the abandoned coal mine!

Ray, the super-intelligent alligator

A wannabe-Lassie with an exceptional IQ but an unfortunate lack of screen presence. Able to talk, bungee-jump, sew severed limbs back on and more. After putting his intelligence to good use by winning the jackpot on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, Ray decided to stop fruitlessly pursuing an acting career and instead turned to politics. He started as a local MP for Kent and quickly rose to become Secretary-General of the United Nations.

You ripped open a WHAT in the fabric of WHAT?

Gordon Freeman

A theoretical physics research associate at the Black Mesa laboratories in New Mexico and incidentally a good mate of the guys, Gordon knew who to call when his superiors found themselves with a cleanup project they couldn't handle. It is unknown how much they helped him besides accidentally killing the G-man at the end of the game.

I am become monkey, devourer of bananas

Martin, the Black Ops monkey

A genetically enhanced monkey bred by the American military to be cheaper than robots and more expendable than humans, Martin can do everything a human soldier can and more. He fled the Army in 2002 when his platoon was caught nibbling on a seized shipment of contraband bananas. Pursued by his trainer, Colonel Thirty-Two, he eventually met the guys and together they uncovered a plot by Toshihiro Nagoshi and Dole Corporation to dominate the world banana industry by using subliminal messages in the game Super Monkey Ball. He helped the guys take down the evil corporations and eventually cleared his name.

p0\/\/nz0rred!!!1

Asul

When we first encounter him, Asul is an eight-year-old child who is miraculously saved by Guy Mienczakowski from being crushed to death by a crate full of frozen ham pizza and explosives. There was more to this event than meets the eye. Asul is actually a super-hacker with hacking abilities corresponding to Mienczakowski's skills with videogames. His thus-far unchronicled crime-fighting adventures in cyberspace have led him into conflict with the Band Of Supervillains on more than one occasion. He became mortal enemy of BOS member Cheesequake and (unknowingly) a thorn in the side of top hacker King Arthur. (The crate of pizza had originally been dropped by Cheesequake.)

Asul resurfaced over a year later, now aged ten, thrown into a virtual universe with the guys in an attempt by King Arthur to finish them all off for good.

But darling, you saved the world LAST night!

Tina Mienczakowski nee Miller

Tina met Guy Mienczakowski at a Mario Kart tournament and married him a year later. A month into their marriage she was arrested in Burundi for smuggling Tic-Tacs (yes, literally), and sent back to the UK for trial and imprisonment. She was released four years later into the waiting arms of her husband (who had been temporarily jailed alongside her mere hours previously) and now lives with the guys.

Tina has thick, fluffy hair and wears a skirt, like all women in StickManStickMan. She has yet to play a larger part than "screaming love interest" in the chronicles.

I'm older than I look.

The Oracle

An exceptionally powerful STL3 gamer who was born in the previous universe. Fought and was beaten by Zero several times before Zero was exiled. Survived the Big Crunch and the following Big Bang. Restructured our universe to prevent STL3 gamers ever arising again. Wrote the Book in preparation for Zero's return and is mainly responsible for the whole "One" business.

THE BAD GUYS

Bow down to me now, and beat the rush.

Freecell

The second man in history to go Super-Tetris, Freecell was Guy Mienczakowski's final opponent in the Quake III tournament but was ultimately beaten. Freecell believed that gaming was the way of the future and Super-Tetris gamers were born to rule. After months of training he rose to Super-Tetris level 2, and destroyed the only two who would be able to oppose him - the guys - in a surprise attack on their house. Subsequently he took over the world and turned it into a planet of amazing gamers, with himself as dictator.

When the guys reappeared - having not been at home when the attack was launched and instead warped forwards in time thirty years - they cut him down using slightly unconventional methods and restored gaming balance to the planet. The guys returned through time to finally kill Freecell once and for all at the attack on their house in the present day. Freecell is now finally dead.

I may look like an unstoppable monster, but I have feelings too!

Antman

Alternate personage of mild-mannered Guy Littler, Antman is a ten-foot-tall, six-armed behemoth. His transformation into this form is triggered by exposure to relatively small quantities of radiation and is signalled by a really bad stomach-ache. It can be reversed by feeding him a radiation dampener, usually in the form of lead-coated Irradiation Raisins. Antman retains most of Littler's mental faculties but is additionally really, really strong and angry.

Hey Gareth, think of a funny name for an alien race. Quingi? That'll do.

The Quingi

Though the name of their race is never mentioned in the StickManStickMan chronicles, the tall, four-armed, pointy-eared alien race which the guys first encountered at Area 51 are actually called the Quingi. A spacefaring race of fantastic technological and medical prowess (both on native and alien biologies), they each have two tongues but their language draws surprising parallels with English.

They are also exceptionally sensitive and short-tempered, taking offence at the slightest little thing. Didn't like your birthday present? They'll blow up your planet. Their long-running vendetta against our heroes began when one of the guys violated Quingi fighting ritual by running away from a fight and then added insult to injury by not being impressed by the gift of an adamantium skeleton augmentation (added without Mienczakowski's knowledge in order to balance out the fight). All attempts to bring the guys down have so far failed, but They Will Be Back.

Usually at least two of a given Quingus' four hands are holding swords, and sometimes as many as as four depending on expertise and superiority. The Quingi favour extremely dangerous green two-foot blades called emeraldswords, which are available to buy on a secret section of the NASA website. They also enjoy roller-coasters.

And I'd have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling nuclear superpowers!

Colonel Thirty-Two, A.K.A. Cheesequake

Evil American army officer and member of the Band Of Supervillains. Had twin vendettas against both Martin, the Black Ops Monkey (for nibbling contraband bananas) and kid hacker genius Asul (for repeatedly thwarting his attempts at cybercrime). Was eventually killed after being thrown into a chasm and covered with lava from a volcanic eruption he himself had instigated.

Dole bananas: because you're worth it.

Toshihiro Nagoshi

Head of Amusement Vision (a division of Sega), Nagoshi teamed up with banana corporation Dole in a devilish plan to make billions of dollars. He created Super Monkey Ball - an immensely popular game with subliminal signals which would make all who played it addicted to Dole bananas - while Dole added addictive chemicals to their bananas. After the addictive chemicals were discovered, bananas were illegalised worldwide within a year, but the game remained on the shelves and Nagoshi continued to profit from black-market banana trading. His scheme was ironically put a stop to by Martin, the Black Ops monkey (with help from the guys), and Dole Corporation were taken down soon afterwards. Super Monkey Ball was subsequently taken off the market and bananas were made legal again.

Toshihiro Nagoshi is the only person on this StickManStickMan cast list who actually exists in real life. He is not, in actuality, evil.

That's no moon... it's a franchise!

"King Arthur"

Actually a codename. A member of a secret band of supervillains called the Band Of Supervillains. Specialised in computer crime. Next-door neighbour of Asul. Arthur had long known Asul's identity as a do-gooding hacker and plotted his demise... then the Quingi contacted him.

Due to his high profile and villainy rating, King Arthur was employed by the Quingi Emperor to locate and destroy the guys in revenge for their crimes against Quingi culture. He was given unlimited resources with which to do this, and so, sticking to traditional supervillain guns, he chose some extraordinarily complex and inefficient methods.

His initial plan was to simply hand off the guys to another member of the Band Of Supervillains. Entrusting them with a rod of Plutonium Pringles, he and sent the guys to Texas to meet (hopefully fatally) with mad food technologist Andre. Unfortunately the guys foiled Andre's plans and returned, angry.

Arthur pretended that the mission had been an induction test into "the Band Of Superheroes" and sent them on a second wild goose chase - this time, into a computer-generated reality to slay a virus that threatened the whole world wide web. (In actuality Arthur had released the virus himself and hoped it would take out the guys - and incidentally the irritating thorn in his side, Asul - as well.) Once again, the guys were victorious.

Exasperated, Arthur's final attempt to kill the guys and Asul involved a handgun. It ended when his computing equipment exploded. Arthur is now dead.

Now, nobody goes away empty-handed because I'M GOING TO KEEP YOU HERE FOREVER!!!

Andre

A mad food technologist from Texas, and a member of the Band Of Supervillains. Planned to inject Plutonium Pringles into a modified nuclear oven, triggering an explosion which would spread radioactive, moreish Pringles all over the state, converting everybody within the blast radius into his radioactive slave. After the guys were used as pawns to deliver the final Plutonium Pringle rod to him, they stopped his plan and sent Andre to prison.

surfing with the alien

Zero

The most powerful gamer known to any universe. The second child of Project Unlimit, Zero almost destroyed his home galaxy before he was trapped and exiled in his own private universe for a trillion years.

NOT REALLY GUYS

Remember kids, gold has approximately the same density as chocolate.

Vaultland

A square yard of land in the centre of the Bank Of England's main vault in central London which seceded from the main body of the United Kingdom after it was seized by the guys' band of mercenaries and they asked Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II very, very nicely. It is the only country in the world whose standing army patrols all four of its borders simultaneously. Officially has three citizens, Guy Littler and Guy and Tina Mienczakowski, who generally spend most of their time living abroad - that is, in their house in Greater London.

I have no mouth, but I don't need to scream, so that's okay.

The Monolith

A 1-by-4-by-9 slab of some impenetrable black material which incidentally plays a mean game of chess. Had designs on world domination and was aided by Seriously Deep Blue, the world's most powerful chess computer. They were eventually thwarted when the guys unplugged them both.

Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but skybox

Super-Tetris

A state in which a human being has absolute power over the very structure of all videogames. One can go Super-Tetris by performing an extremely intense and difficult or even impossible videogaming task. Typically this involves playing Tetris at an exceptionally high level for an extended period, hence the name, but the Super-Tetris state can be achieved via many different games. This is not a feat which only "special" individuals can achieve - with sufficient time and concentration, anybody can do it. Certain drugs and enhancements also exist which can raise anybody to Super-Tetris, though these are obviously banned from competitions. In Freecell's dystopic future, even small children can go Super-Tetris, since everybody is given these drugs from birth.

An individual who has gone Super-Tetris can play games with superhuman speed and skill and near-clairvoyant reactions. Additionally, with concentration, a Super-Tetris gamer can control the game without touching the controller, and restructure/reprogram the game to set limits higher and allow faster movement, stronger punches, more powerful weapons, et cetera. People who have gone Super-Tetris have flames licking through their hair. They also have total control over their own bodies, enabling them to fly.

Super-Tetris capabilities are a physical ability and are thus useless in a virtual environment where one's real body is not present.

Obviously, real people can't literally go Super-Tetris, but there are certain achievements which I think are indicative of a sufficient level of skill to be unofficially classified as such. Videos of people going Super-Tetris can be found on the front page.

Aleph-one pwnage

Super-Tetris level 2

A state far above Super-Tetris. STL2 is to STL1 as STL1 is to your average casual gamer. STL2 gamers have flames all over their bodies and must play by telepathy or else melt their controllers. There is no gaming achievement, possible, impossible or just plain ludicrous, which an STL2 could not perform in a single processor cycle, nor is there any human gaming achievement worthy of the ranking. If a human can do it, it is not STL2. Duels between STL2 gamers are fought at such a complex level and high speed that it would take an STL1 observer to even follow the proceedings.

The very rare talent of being able to STL2 also allows biological immortality - indeed, perpetual youth. Only two individuals in human history have ever gone Super-Tetris level 2 - Guy Mienczakowski and Freecell. Of the two, there is evidence to suggest that it was actually Freecell who was the more powerful by a narrow margin...

Absolut Power

Super-Tetris level 3

It is impossible for any individual originating in our current universe to ascend to STL3 under their own power. However, it was possible in the previous universe, and several STL3 gamers from that universe survived to be part of ours. Therefore, you can reach STL3, but only if somebody from the previous universe gives the power to you willingly. This almost never happens.

An STL3 individual acquires control of more than just himself but objects and matter surrounding him in the real universe. He is nearly omnipotent. Physically the STL3 state can be represented by any transformation the gamer wishes - sparks, flames, longer hair, or nothing at all.

 
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